Everybody get up! It’s time to slam, now. We’ve got a real jam goin’ down. Welcome to finals week, where the stakes are as high as the shot clock, and the exams are harder than a right hook from Zach Randolph. Here is what each of your favorite Eastern Conference NBA Playoff teams says about your finals week fate!

1.Indiana Pacers Not only did you head into late April Playoffs1with a 3.8 GPA, but you even did better than your best friend who goes to Miami and seems to outschool you every year! May hasn’t been so kind to you, though, as you’ve failed two late-year midterms. People are starting to talk… Your finals week fate will be a tossup between a historic 5-A success, and a colossal failure. 2. Brooklyn NetsPlayoffs4 All year, people have been telling you that you have the tools be a great student (and by “people” we mean “your mom”) You’ve tried every study method, and even accidentally spilled your drink on a midterm that you weren’t prepared for. But lately, things have started to come together for you, and an average finals week is in your future, with plenty of B’s and C’s to go around. 3. Washington WizardsPlayoffs1 You have NEVER done well in school. You actually used to stink at school so bad that you spent your whole sophomore year on academic probation. This year, however, something just clicked and your heading into finals week touting a B+ semester. While there’s no shortage of doubters for you, I believe this is the year you turn it around and finish out the year with an A-average! 4. Miami HeatPlayoffs2 You put almost zero effort into school this year but you’re still acing all of your classes, which would all be great and super impressive IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE EASIEST SCHEDULE IN THE HISTORY OF SCHEDULES! This year your cockiness is going to come back and haunt you. F’s! Across the board!!!

-Mike T.